Premeditated
Etiquette has a new judge.
Graham Cameron and Neil Zumwalde investigate improvised social lawbreaking in a low-stakes fictional true crime podcast that will thrill you. We weekly and boldly prosecute the most innocuous violations of social decorum in a world that’s both too polite for its own good, and too shamelessly chaotic to continue unpunished.
In each episode, only one improviser knows what social law will be broken, leaving the other to react to the unfolding etiquette crime with a mix of shock, confusion, and judgment.
The crime? Social faux pas that we all secretly fear.
The trial? Ten to fifteen minutes of litigation.
We bravely dig into these micro-crimes, cross-examine experts (ourselves), and debate whether these laws should be upheld, expanded, or struck from the record entirely.
Tune in for untrue crime, biting social commentary, courtroom drama (minus the stakes), and the gratification of seeing manners put on trial. It’s a procedural like no other, where the crime is petty, but the discussions are downright serious.
In a world teeming with rules you didn't even know existed, Premeditated is your court of last resort.
Premeditated
One Flight Upgrade v. Two Travelers (with Dr. Tess)
Ever found yourself arm-wrestling a loved one over who gets the first-class upgrade? In this spirited episode of Premeditated, Graham, Neil and our BFF Tess guide you through a hilarious journey into the unpredictable world of airline seat assignments. Alongside Gary Anderson and Mary Patricia, a couple just trying to survive on Spirit Airlines, we explore travel etiquette with a comedic twist. From playful banter to candid confessions, we dissect the unwritten rules that keep travelers on their toes, often leading to uproarious moments amidst the chaos of boarding gates and narrow jet bridges.
But that's just the tip of the baggage tag! We also tackle the moral dilemmas of utilizing travel perks when you're jet-setting with family or friends, navigating the delicate balance between comfort and camaraderie. Should you split up at customs? Is it okay to abandon Grandma in Economy Class?
Through light-hearted anecdotes and keen observations, we challenge the perceived societal obligations and the "no person left behind" mentality, urging listeners to prioritize their personal journeys and forge ahead with confidence. Buckle up. This episode is a belly laugh-filled ride through travelling in partnership.
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Justice Graham: Mr. Neil, it is my understanding that the flyers in your party were given but one upgrade despite there being two passengers abreast Spirit Airlines Flight 271 to Cabo San Lucas.
Mr. Neil: Gee whiz Your Honor. You sure summed that up correctly!
Ms: Tess: Pardon, a moment of parliamentary procedure, but were does one find the designated area for urination? As the justly recognized First-Class flyer of the group, I demand proper accommodations for my bladder's needs
Mr. Neil: You see, You Honor? My wife is the cream of the cream of the top of the crop. She deserves the lavish accoutrement of flying at the front of the plane.
Justice Graham: So, in my estimation, there is no need for judicial interference in the case of One Upgrade v. Two Travelers.
Ms. Tess: No sir! We're two root-tootin' rutabagas on the trip of a lifetime. And pray tell, where do you buy your powdered wigs?
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Guest: Tess Sorensen
Hosted by Graham Cameron and Neil Zumwalde
insta: @premeditatedpod
This is Premeditated the podcast investigating society's unwritten laws and the heinous ways they're broken.
Speaker 1:True crime, low stakes. I'm Neil, I'm Graham and this is Premeditated. This is just the pre-boarding call for flight 271 to Cabo San Lucas. 271 to Cabo San Lucas. We're going to start the boarding check-in in a minute. Please stay around the boarding gate for notices from the airline.
Speaker 3:Thanks, Excuse me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Do I have time to go to the bathroom?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you should have. There's actually just down past gate 26A.
Speaker 3:Can I leave my bag?
Speaker 1:We ask that you do not leave bags unintended here at the terminal.
Speaker 3:I just I don't really want to take it all the way to the bathroom.
Speaker 1:Are you fine with somebody?
Speaker 3:Yes, but he's untrustworthy.
Speaker 2:Hon, I hate it when you air our dirty laundry.
Speaker 3:Well, sometimes you're looking at your phone and you're not looking at my bag.
Speaker 1:And you you, sir are a trained professional uh, I, I am and uh, but unfortunately I'm not trained for uh bag placement resolution, so I'm just gonna have to let you two fix this out what's gonna happen if I leave it?
Speaker 3:will I go to the bathroom?
Speaker 1:you know I really can't, but I suggest that for your own property safety you leave it.
Speaker 2:Brianna, yes, you can leave it with me, would you guys mind?
Speaker 1:stepping aside for this discussion actually, please.
Speaker 3:Could you explain why? Because I have work to do here, ma'am, and this seems like a personal Well, I consider travel to be my work today, so I also have work and I think I deserve a restroom break.
Speaker 2:Brianna, or is this not?
Speaker 3:a unionized situation.
Speaker 1:Ma'am, I am not your coworker.
Speaker 3:I think, because I am traveling on this airline and we all have to work together for safety that perhaps I am a coworker.
Speaker 1:We are all in this together, and safety is my number one priority.
Speaker 3:I am sitting in the exit row, so I believe I am your co-worker. Officially, I'm deputized.
Speaker 2:As soon as you get a confirmation, a verbal confirmation, then she does technically become part of the crew of the aircraft Do you expect me to help people in the event of emergency, or Do? You expect her to let them die? See, I'm supporting you.
Speaker 3:I do not expect you that, but I also. I love you right now.
Speaker 1:Actually just give me one moment, sorry. There's a new alert on my flight app. Could you guys please?
Speaker 3:Could I look at it?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 3:I think I just should have access Ma'am access to your alerts.
Speaker 1:Ma'am, I am but a gate agent. I cannot share, though you might think. You are deputized.
Speaker 3:Well, it said, I have to be over 15 and I have to be able to assist in the event of an emergency, and so I just feel like, if there's an alert, if there's an emergency, that. I might need to be of use.
Speaker 1:I'm going to have to cut you off right there. I have to make an announcement Boom, boom, boom. Well, flight passengers Gary Anderson and Mary Patricia, please come to the front desk. We have a alert regarding your seat on flight 718 to Cabo San Lucas.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that's me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm Gary Anderson. You're Gary Anderson.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh, it's me Mary. I've never been called up to the front before. I really hope I'm not in trouble.
Speaker 2:This is very exciting for us. We don't usually hear our names announced over loudspeakers.
Speaker 3:And we ain't never been to Mexico, but we are sure thrilled.
Speaker 2:I got my passport. You want to see it.
Speaker 3:Oh, me too.
Speaker 1:Not actually. I would like to see it when you guys board, but for now I actually have a bit of good news. You guys booked your tickets together, correct?
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, we sure did. We're not married though.
Speaker 1:Oh, that.
Speaker 3:I was married once and he is missing.
Speaker 1:Alright, that is irrelevant for my inquiry, but I.
Speaker 3:I just want you to know that I don't know where he is.
Speaker 2:I am she never will.
Speaker 1:I am sorry for your loss, miss Patricia. I am not. I am happy for your loss, miss Patricia, so what about?
Speaker 2:our seats here.
Speaker 1:So actually the tickets were worked together and one of you we have a first class passenger who did not check in for the flight today, so there's actually a rich one upgrade available so we get to share a seat. I love it no, actually it's still one butt per seat, but one of you may upgrade, should you choose, to first class.
Speaker 3:Now the other person's seat. I've been told that I don't have much of a backside and my lover here. He did lose half of his in the war.
Speaker 2:Skinny as a rail.
Speaker 3:In fact, we have only one half a butt per your rules.
Speaker 1:Be that as it may, I can only give one passenger the upgrade, so all I need from you guys is to just tell me which of you would like to use it.
Speaker 3:Listen, should we rock paper scissors or arm wrestle my love?
Speaker 2:I think we should arm wrestle for it let's do it, let's work up a sweat before we head on down south of the border, oh boy.
Speaker 3:My arm snapped.
Speaker 2:She won again, but it was because it snapped. Well, I'll just give her what she wants, and then I don't go missing.
Speaker 1:I will put down Mandy Patricia for a.
Speaker 3:You seem unconcerned about my snapped arm, but guess what? We're on vacation, baby.
Speaker 2:Here we go. Give me another shot from your backpack and we're good to go, camelback.
Speaker 1:I might add that First Class does offer free ice and warm towels.
Speaker 2:So maybe that will be Ice and. You can get hot and cold sweetie Up in First Class. You're so fancy you can get hot and cold sweetie Up in first class.
Speaker 1:You're so fancy. I would just like to say most couples typically sort of have sort of myths about this, but you guys seem to A decide this very democratically via arm wrestling.
Speaker 3:Thank you, you're welcome. And B it's so nice to see that you're happy for your partner that she gets to enjoy the benefits of a first class seat. I don't totally understand what it means, but thank you.
Speaker 1:Well, you are about to find out.
Speaker 2:Miss Patricia, First class. I never thought I'd be. I never thought I'd be traveling with a lady who's sitting up in first class Titanic if you will, I'm going down with the ship. If you know what I mean, I'll go down on your ship once we get bounced off the border.
Speaker 1:May we please step aside? We are now boarding all military first responder and parents with children.
Speaker 2:Baby, you're military. Well, I work construction. Does that count? Yeah, that's military, it is that does not.
Speaker 1:Thank you for flying Spirit Airlines.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think I do know what that is.
Speaker 1:What do you guys think the social law was here, the social instance? There's actually a couple in there which we should be able to talk about all of them.
Speaker 3:I'm trying to think what your intention was for the social law. I feel like you derailed it so fast.
Speaker 1:No intention, just presenting it as a choice to be made socially.
Speaker 3:I'm trying to remember what even happened. At the beginning, you were a Spirit Airlines employee.
Speaker 1:Which they had a airline to choose. I don't think they have a great first class?
Speaker 3:I don't think they do have a first class, but you know what they do now.
Speaker 1:But they do now. Yeah, they're a sponsor of the pod.
Speaker 3:So if you were intent, but they're a sponsor of the pod, so so if you were intent, if you were always trying to get to the first class, that was your intention, then yes, the uh, the upgrade rule amongst partners where you split them up where you split them up, I feel is probably very contentious. I've never personally experienced it, but I would. I would leave a lover behind so fast.
Speaker 3:Their head would fucking spin they would and they would never see me again because now I'm fancy and they're trash. You fundamentally change. I'm a different person.
Speaker 2:In the duration where you are sitting up in first class.
Speaker 3:You do not know that when we get off the plane, we're not talking.
Speaker 2:Because nobody behind you has a name.
Speaker 1:You're also getting off the plane 20 minutes differently. What are you supposed to?
Speaker 2:do what? Meet up. I'm going to go have dinner. I'll see you when you get your shit out of the plane, absolutely nuts.
Speaker 1:Catch your own cab. I have a town car to take Absolutely nuts. You can catch your own cab.
Speaker 2:I have a town car taking me to the hotel.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so the thing was which I feel like I don't know. It's never really happened to me. I feel like they did it in a Seinfeld episode, but I feel like normally they'll tell which person of the reservation is getting upgraded. Yeah, but this situation is like if there's a choice, one of you is getting upgraded.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:There's an upgrade available, Like you're like, before you even get to the airport there might be like oh, my ticket, because not all tickets do.
Speaker 3:They offer an upgrade.
Speaker 2:These days that's true.
Speaker 3:So you know, if you don't have the miles or whatever, if you're not a, if you don't have status, you're not going to get the offer and status is earned. And it's earned. So I just think it's a very simple answer. I don't care if it's a small child, I don't care if it's a baby.
Speaker 3:You're in the back, enjoy so if you get left behind, though, I will tell you this One time my sister, my older sister, when she had a baby and maybe where were we flying, maybe if we were flying to Mexico, she did get an upgrade to first class, but then her baby stayed with us. Her baby didn't have her own seat, but we just hung out and watched her baby while she enjoyed first class.
Speaker 2:How did you feel about that Was?
Speaker 3:that fair. I thought that was correct Okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:You have a baby up there. You're not even having a good time. Yeah, baby's got to stay in the barn with all the barn animals yeah, the baby's at the back, baby in the barn yeah, I felt like it was the 100% correct thing to do. Yeah, I think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think.
Speaker 2:I'm pretty agreed that about it being like a free thing.
Speaker 3:It's not always even free, even if an opportunity presents itself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a nice favorite, because if you say there's like two perfect people who are like we will not be split up, we must stay together, and so they leave it, then some other rando, joe Schmo, is going to get that Also. How long is?
Speaker 3:this fight. I don't care. 13 hours, goodbye.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:Then you know what you get a more rested, calm person when you get to our destination, I will walk you back. Drinks, I don't care.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah For sure you get free drinks, for sure.
Speaker 3:And then I will be the one who has to like, maintain, like the calm, cool, we're figuring out how to get to the hotel or whatever, Like.
Speaker 1:That's not my job. You're off the plane first. That's not my job, Like you can feel, however you feel.
Speaker 3:No, we did not both need to be cranky and grumpy and our backs hurt.
Speaker 2:So I recently went to Spain and the person I was traveling with had global entry. So when it came to customs he was like goodbye.
Speaker 3:Goodbye, and I was just like yeah, fair.
Speaker 1:Yeah that's what I did. I didn't feel bad about it at all.
Speaker 2:He left me behind and I felt.
Speaker 3:Because then he can go sit down.
Speaker 2:And he can wait. By the time I got outside, guess who knew which baggage claim we were at?
Speaker 3:Exactly, maybe he just had a drink.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I don't know there wasn't any in the baggage claim, but yes he could have Poor decision.
Speaker 1:I completely agree. It's funny my partner I'm not giving her name out on the podcast.
Speaker 3:Your secret, my secret. There's a secret woman in his life.
Speaker 1:So she filled out our TSA pre-global entry forms, like she filled out mine for me, like it was just she happened to be must be nice but that day she's like, oh, we should sign up for it.
Speaker 1:Like I was working. She's like I'll just do it for you. We're doing the same time. I got approved within two weeks. It took her literally over a year to get her tsa pre-access, so maybe that's the reason why? For the derelict but? But every single time I went to the airport, I was like I would. I was like I'll take the electronics. I'll take the laptops in my bag, cause I'm not bringing them out. I don't have to take them out, you know whatever, but I was like I'm taking that.
Speaker 3:TSA free line. The thing with the appointments to get it. They are they. They are hard to get.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it took like six to nine months or something. I don't remember how long it took me to get, like people fly to other states to get their their appointment.
Speaker 1:Luckily, yeah, luckily we're living in San Diego at the time, so I could just go to the you could do it.
Speaker 3:American border you have you can do it at the border in San Diego yeah.
Speaker 1:Hot yeah. So you hot, okay yeah. So you have to be like you can.
Speaker 3:There's certain airports where you can do it as long as you are at the same time doing an international crossing. Yeah, it's like, which is so weird? International ports. They're like if you're currently on a trip, then you can come right in, otherwise you have to wait 7 000 years. Yeah, because they it got really popular after the pandemic. People were like we gotta be able to get out of this country.
Speaker 1:I mean, yeah, I'm fully on board with if you're given an advantage, especially for flying, you fucking take that advantage. You take it. And if there's a little left over, like the taking of the laptops or the bringing back drinks. It's like yeah give them a little taste, you help.
Speaker 2:You can reshare. Okay, so like, let's take this to an extreme, though.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:So like single parachute crashing plane kind of thing, Okay.
Speaker 1:Right, that was the extreme I was going to take. Well, okay, I was going to say you're traveling with your like elderly grandmother. Well, oh sure.
Speaker 3:Then grandma gets the first Sure.
Speaker 2:But what if you get assigned the first class seat?
Speaker 3:Well, too bad, then I get it. You can't do anything about that, so you would leave your grandma back there alone. Grandma doesn't want your fucking mouth talking to her during a flight. Okay, listen, do you know what I mean? Like grandma wants to relax and maybe meet a stranger. Grandma wants some peace and quiet Both of my grandmas are dead, so I don't know why they're on this flight anyways.
Speaker 2:It's macabre.
Speaker 3:It's disturbing. They've been dead for long enough that it's deeply, deeply bad.
Speaker 2:Okay so, but your friend left her baby behind.
Speaker 3:My sister, your sister, left her baby behind. I mean, when she had to breastfeed she took the baby. Then we got that baby right back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, put a number on this baby. Is it like toddler, is it?
Speaker 3:like no, she was like six months old or something, yeah breastfeeding.
Speaker 2:So okay, Okay, wow.
Speaker 3:But also it's my niece and so we also, and I don't live there, so we also just wanted to hang out with the baby and we were like, yeah, get out of here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, six months older, like essentially almost still just a snuggle, just like a snuggle cushion, not a crying, screaming thing or whatever.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it was me and my other, me and my little sister. So we, we had a good time. Now would I do that for just anybody? Probably because I like kids.
Speaker 2:But what if it's a bad kid?
Speaker 3:yeah, well then, no, I don't know if it's like a three and a six year old.
Speaker 1:And no, that's my jam. Yeah, that is, yeah, okay, maybe I don't know but this might be good, this might be.
Speaker 3:This might be different for you guys, but you're probably not gonna shock me with a kid's bad behavior yeah, I'd probably.
Speaker 2:I mean if I was traveling with a mother and her child and you'd take the first class. I mean I would take the first class in that case, but if she got offered it, you would leave a mother and a child in the back. Oh, yeah if she was the one that got the upgrade, I would be like let me me take a little tummy here.
Speaker 3:The kid shouldn't be there.
Speaker 1:The kid's not getting the first class upgrade. No, no, no, no, it's lost on them Actually, you know what, but you know under two or, if you're a liar like me, under four.
Speaker 3:Your kid's sharing a seat with you.
Speaker 2:Sure yeah, but is that the rule.
Speaker 3:Under two, they can share a seat with you and in the contiguous United States, you don't have to show any proof that the child is yours.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's great If you go to Hawaii you do.
Speaker 3:If you go to oh I've never gone to Alaska, but I assume you do You're supposed to have like a birth certificate. So I just lied about my daughter's birthday until she was like four, because she was pretty small, but she was extremely eloquent before two and I'd have to be like, please don't speak when we're going through TSA.
Speaker 1:Small words. I'm four.
Speaker 3:She'd say things like are they expecting us to take our shoes off?
Speaker 2:And like shut the fuck up, you're a lap thing, you're a lap thing I don't have to pay for you because you're a lap thing today.
Speaker 3:Is this TSA agent in a union? Does the diet book have sucralose? Yeah, what's our flight number, mama?
Speaker 2:Here's something that I saw that just infuriates me on a recent flight. I can't wait to hear it and it's similar Is when you're going through first class and you see like an 18 year old oh yeah, that's a crime.
Speaker 3:It's just a waste of everybody's time. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm just like you can fold up into a little ball and you don't need the space.
Speaker 3:You don't need the space, you don't need the free drinks, you don't need to have a hot towel.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're already getting free soda. Anyways in business.
Speaker 3:And you don't even give a shit about the fact that you're not watching something on your phone, because it's what you're doing anyways that you're not watching something on your phone, right, because it's what you're doing anyways.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just there's something about just that age group that I'm just like. No, your life should be hard, I agree. You know, yeah, 18, 19, 20, that time just like, yeah, you have to experience an economy, it's not?
Speaker 3:even hard.
Speaker 2:It's not even hard when you're 18, 19,.
Speaker 3:it's not, it's fine.
Speaker 1:I, you're 18, 19. It's not, it's fine. I was going to say, yeah, it's not challenging in any other way. I've flown economy 97% of the flights I've been on.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Guess what I hate it now? Yeah, it does suck, but I'm too cheap most of the time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I haven't been on a first class flight.
Speaker 3:Well, I got upgraded just randomly.
Speaker 2:This did happen to me. This did happen to me maybe three or four flights ago. I don't think I bought in the first class except for our honeymoon.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I don't think I bought. All of mine have been free upgrades and I'm like give me all the food you have in that little refrigerator. I need everything you've got.
Speaker 3:I'm ready to eat now, if you're Bridget Swanson, my mother, she's also ordering doubles. Don't pre-mix it and then then just putting all like every 15, every time a woman goes by, and then she's putting the bottles in her bag.
Speaker 1:I love that. What's the oh, the don't pre-mixes? Oh, they don't. Even she's like don't mix it for me.
Speaker 3:I want, like, a double gin and tonic. Don't mix it for me, and then she just puts them in her bag. That's smart uh huh, smart, smart, smart like she can't afford a $20 bottle of liquor when she gets somewhere, but it's fun, uh huh, it is fun because it's like stealing when it's not. And it's fun to give away like when you know I'll meet her and she's like, hmm, you want a little yeah little bottles for your flight.
Speaker 1:Yes, I do, it's like a novelty yeah it.
Speaker 2:It looks like the regular bottle.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just slip it in your purse before you leave.
Speaker 3:Because she's also bringing her own, that she wants to drink in shampoo bottles in her.
Speaker 2:She's a literal genius. She's a literal genius. She's a literal genius. Okay, well, it seems like Slam the gavel.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we can slam the gavel on this one Case closed Case closed.
Speaker 2:Never wait up for anybody.
Speaker 3:Leave a loser behind.
Speaker 2:Yeah, anyone who says no man left behind obviously has never traveled.
Speaker 3:I'm sorry, it's a dog eat dog world at the airport.
Speaker 2:Sorry rural. Iowa yeah.
Speaker 1:And this dog's got to eat.
Speaker 2:Yeah, goodbye, all right then. Case closed, case closed.
Speaker 3:Cheers.
